I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
