I CAN MOONWALK!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
