Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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