I can tuck mytits in my pants
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
