if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
