I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Randomize
