How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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