I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
