I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
