And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize