she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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