Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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