Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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