go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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