Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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