she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
