I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
