I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
