I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
