Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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