Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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