I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
