Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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