I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
This baby is an asshole
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
