im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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