my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
