Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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