I met the friendliest cop last night
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He passed out mid-signature
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
