He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
