I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
