so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
