I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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