i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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