It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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