filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
