If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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