I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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