so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
