There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
