so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
