you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
