My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
