i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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