Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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