My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize