Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
