Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
