Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
