the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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