Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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