I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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