I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
