ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
