He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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