I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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