Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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